thinking...

It's been almost a year!

I haven't actually planned to come here in the Land of Smiles,,I never even imagined going abroad when I was little..

All I wanted to do before was just to fully experience how to live alone and do things on my own..

Seems like I left everything when I left the Philippines..

My first job, my friends, my family, my colleagues,,,my old life...

I came here in the Land of the Smiles unknowing what to do and what to expect..

I've realized that it's actually hard to live alone, to be with other people (co-pinoys), to work with different nationalities..but, I must say I survived..

I had my first "abroad" work after a month, I had found new friends, new family, new colleagues..and new life..

Coming here in Thailand isn't something which I have thought a lot. I planted on my mind the kind of experience I will be having..

Then why is it so hard to make a decision whether it would be time for me to leave this place..

I haven't been ready when I came here,,thus am I ready to leave???

What would make me ready
and what makes me not...

-the speed of life-

Maybe there is really something about growing up: We change, and most of the time, we change into what we say we will never be.

As youngsters, we dreamt of castles and dragons, candies, and boxes of toys. We go home after school and tell our parents we want to become astronauts and firemen. The girls would love to pretend to be teachers or princesses, having tea in the grandest castle.

But as we grow up, we leave the dreams and fantasies behind. Below our beds, the old toys dust and the dragons are already slain. We will never consider becoming firemen because we realize that working in an office is more privileged, and to be an astronaut will not be on our career lists because we have to go to big universities to become one and math is very difficult to study anyway. Sometimes, “growing up” is a term people use to mean going practical. And being practical is a way of saying that our dreams should be suspended in our status quo.

I remember Tim Burton’s movie version of Alice in Wonderland. In it, Alice returns to Wonderland without any recollection that she had been there when she was still a child. She feels out of place, confused, and unbelieving. When she met the Caterpillar who told her that she is the predicted “champion” or savior of the place, he also said that she lost her “muchness”—greatness.

And as I look at how life takes its course and how we respond to it as persons, I realize that it isn’t only Alice who treaded Life and lost her muchness. We all do, and the worst bit is that we will never admit to it.

The funny thing about growing up is that we lose sight of the things we once wanted. As adults, we want to please others, not ourselves. We satisfy what our friends and the society think we should look like. In our decision-making, we don’t just ask other people what they think. We let them make the decisions for us and we follow. When we think of ourselves unique, we actually consider what others might say about our clothes, our favorites, and our choices.

One forgets that growing up is not about changing yourself. Growing up is building yourself—learning from the experiences and the setbacks, and making yourself ready for what may come next. We grow up by adventure. We go, we fall, we stand, and we go on.

The speed of life is something that nobody can ever follow or interpret. It is like a stream, where a lot of things and events unknown linger in its banks and way. And like that stream, we know where to go and what we want. It is when we grow up that we suddenly ask ourselves a lot of questions: Can I do it? Is it possible? And then we doubt ourselves. We say then that we cannot.

As adults, too, we change the way we look at things. As children, we know what we wanted. We know that we want a top spin or a basketball, and we know that these things are ours. Today, it’s another way around. Things lure us, make us buy and rely and hook our happiness on them. We once own these things, now, these things own us

I remember in Primary School where we met a lot of different kids. Some are in the neighborhood, while a big lot are not. It is very commendable how even on the first day of classes; we become friends with everyone, play with them, and even hold hands with them. Today, one’s friend is usually his own level. We have our own standards of who is a right friend and what is not.

Sometimes, I ponder on how a lot of things in life become complicated. Then I realize this—is it really, or are we just making it hard for ourselves? Maybe it’s time to sit and go over the things we do. Do we still have our hearts in it? Or are we just doing it for doing’s sake?

To say that life is a battlefield is a typical grown-up’s insight of it. But when we start to call it an adventure, we appreciate the things that come to us, the pretenses, the passions, the blessings. One thing is for sure, this muchness is something that is real and permanent, it’s our doubts that are transient.

Maybe it’s not too late to find ourselves in this adventure. Maybe we just have to take time and realize that in growing up, we are not really faced with challenges, but mounds of rocks to climb for happiness. As this line from a journal I had goes:

When you run so fast to get to somewhere, you miss the fun of getting there. Life is not a race so take it slower; enjoy the music before the song is over.

??@??

We've met, parted ways, had other persons around then meet again. Every time we start something new separately, circumstances always bring us back. Though we studied at different University,we had a goal together. Until it has been broken, then we tried to fix, broken then fix again...

Though circumstances always leads us back, also the same word always keeps us a part.

We knew within ourselves that we have made such impulsive decisions as a result of impulsive actions.

You did this, I did that.
You met her, I met him.
You almost engaged your self to her, I almost married him.

And we made a decision that has never crossed our mind.

You went there, I don't know if I have been open on saying that I don't to meet someone from that institution. It was fun though,bu I got tons of learnings. Just because you heard the other have been there, you threw your self in. You don't need to prove you can overpower him.

I came here, with all the considerations I need to consider. And it has never been easy to live alone..

It all came as a surprise when you heard about it, same thing when I heard of it.

And there that circumstance again..

As much as I don't want to hold on, I also don't want to loose it. Just let the time tell. For in the end,when dreams have been achieved and things were accepted yet, it is still there, then it's nicer for maturity and readiness are much present.

sometimes to other times..

Why do I get emotional every time the topic would be about family?

Around 3 years ago when I met around 20 4th year high school students. I was 19 at that time and they were around 16-18 years old, some were even same age with me,and few were older.

One of my many treasured learnings with them happened one hot afternoon inside the classroom. The topic at that time was about families. There was an article which I insisted on them to read. After the reading, hey said the article wasn’t that interesting! I got angry stating that it isn’t easy searching for lessons. One of them stood up and said, why would we bother to read someone else’s story where in fact that’s exactly the same with ours!

Then they were already narrating their own broken family stories. As the person who is in charge of the class, I knew I have to do or say something.

But how could I give reactions to something which I myself is trying to figure out.

There are times when I feel like I have come to terms with this completely. But, then there are some moments when I feel myself breaking into little pieces. There was this day I was on the jeepney and I overheard this man telling his daughter that the most important thing in the world was love, and I felt myself tearing up... wishing that it had been this way.

I do have a lot of amazing friends, and I often tell myself that the family that makes yourself can be greater than the one that you have.

Forgiveness, love and acceptance were not that open but we can feel it. I am still lucky to have them. Cause I never have to really experience a very difficult life. My life is still better compared to others, though I don’t want to compare…

People whom I have met envy me at least a little for that, and I feel proud about it.

I have been raised knowing the do’s and don’ts in life. I may stumble, but I knew they would always be there especially my mom..

But every so often I have this faint longing for a Walton's style family…

I will never have a perfect family... but sometimes I really wish that things were different.

haha sometimes…

mistakes..

I want to believe that in this world there is still what we call perfect. But how could I do that when everyone says that the world is full of mistakes...

I came to realize that they are somewhat true.
1. My family, growing up to a family having your mother on one side and your father on the other side..I want to believe its normal, but it isn't. Sometimes I'm ashamed of telling about my family background,cause what I have is different from what most people have..

2. My name, my mom said they didn't plan to have another child. I have been their second daughter before the separation.. But still they decided to have me... and it all started there..My birth certificate says I have been born on the 6th of January 1986.. got no choice but to follow that..so now, im 24 according to the documents..

3. My decisions..? Some people say that I'm crazy giving up a good starting career in the Philippines with a good pay to something which I'm not actually very sure of. Like what? Coming here in the Land of Smiles..maybe they are correct,but at the same time wrong. I haven't given up that career jz because I want to. I gave up on that because I felt that I wasn't learning anymore. I want to learn..I want to grow.
To something which I'm not very sure of? It's really a risk coming in here.. But i jz do hope that the decision which i made will make me learn more,grow more.. and be the person who I wanted to be.. Be the person who I wanted to be?? Haha like what??

Who moved my cheese?

-one of my class discussions during my reading class way back..

Inter to high-inter students

Who Moved My Cheese? is a parable that takes place in a maze. Four beings live in that maze: Sniff and Scurry are mice—non analytical and nonjudgmental, they just want cheese and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Hem and Haw are "little people," mouse-size humans who have an entirely different relationship with cheese. It's not just to sustain them; it's their self-image. Their lives and belief systems are built around the cheese they've found. Hem and Haw, the tiny people, emulate us humans with all our faults, fears and frustrations. They provide us with distinct personalities that mimic many stressed-out individuals we have grown to know.

Change can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your perspective. The message of Who Moved My Cheese? is that all can come to see it as a blessing, if they understand the nature of cheese and the role it plays in their lives. Most of us reading the story will see the cheese as something related to our livelihoods--our jobs, our career paths, the industries we work in--although it can stand for anything, from health to relationships. The point of the story is that we have to be alert to changes in the cheese, and be prepared to go running off in search of new sources of cheese when the cheese we have runs out.

And although more analytical and skeptical readers may find the tale a little too simplistic, its beauty is that it sums up all natural history in just few pages. Things change. They always have changed and always will change. And while there's no single way to deal with change, the consequence of pretending change won't happen is always the same: The cheese runs out.

This is a brief tale of two mice and two humans who live in a maze and one day are faced with change: someone moves their cheese. Reactions vary from quick adjustment to waiting for the situation to change by itself to suit their needs. This story is about adjusting attitudes toward change in life, especially at work. Change occurs whether a person is ready or not, but the author affirms that it can be positive. His principles are to anticipate change, let go of the old, and do what you would do if you were not afraid.